


Bitter Almonds and Sweet Irony

by honeyedcalcite



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: BPD Taako, Gen, Im making up ways so that now its gonna be like 4 chapters, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, More characters to be added, Past Abuse, Poisoning, Post-The Eleventh Hour, Pre-The Suffering Game, Suicide Attempt, Vomit, past abusive relationship, this is basically a graphic vent fic abt Taako tries to kill himself, this was supposed to be one chapter but its going to be like at least 3 now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2018-10-22 22:11:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10706172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeyedcalcite/pseuds/honeyedcalcite
Summary: Noone was dealing with what the Chalice had shown them well, but as Merle and Magnus moved on and Taako stayed stuck in the past, he decided it was time to do something about it.





	1. Nothing Pretty About It

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings- graphic suicide attempt, suicide planning, mentions of past abusive relationship, vomit, blood, poisoning, mentioned mass murder

Sometimes he still remembered him, sometimes he still needed him. After Refuge, the nightmares that had plagued Taako for years had come back. Nightmares about Sazed, about Glamour Springs. Sometimes it was watching them all die, sometimes it was seeing himself, spitting up blood on the cutting board after tasting the sauce. Sometimes it was Sazed, tilting the bottle back and feeling the poison burn down his throat. No matter the variation someone had always died. It was somehow worse than the night terrors. He always woke up remembering them. Merle and Magnus giving him disgusting looks of pity after a quiet night. 

The nightmares, he could handle, what he couldn’t handle was the sudden influx of feelings. At first it was anger. Anger was manageable, he could train and scream and fight all he wanted to now. But when he was burnt out the depression set in, the betrayal. Taako would ‘meditate’ in his room for hours at a time, picking apart every action. Every conversation with Sazed. It was overwhelming, all the red flags. Sazed’s hand would linger on his neck a little too long, the twitch of his lip when he made Taako dinner. It all made him feel sick. 

He almost wanted to talk about it. Merle didn’t seem particularly bothered by what the chalice showed him, but he had the emotional competency of a month old rutabaga. The world would have to be caving in on itself before Taako went to Merle for help. Magnus though, was a big softie. Always making sure everyone he cared about was okay before he would take a minute for himself. But Refuge hit Magnus even worse than it had Taako. Holed up in his room as much as he could. He looked terrible during training too, bags under his eyes deep and dark. Not even Taako was selfish enough to try to unload on him like this. 

Having nobody to really turn to left him to his own devices a lot. Sure he was busy with training, teaching Angus magic, and the occasional date with his new boyfriend. But in those off hours his mind was never quiet. He tried to stay strong, to block out the little voices telling him it was his fault. The roar of a crowd of forty, Sazed’s jealous hiss, his own disgusted wails. But he could only ever take so much before he broke. 

It took three months for him to finally settle on his decision, and two to plan and execute. 

In those five months Magnus started to look better, he was healthier and happier. Even coming to Taako on occasion to talk about what happened. If it took less than five months for Magnus to get over seeing his wife die again, why couldn’t Taako just move on from something that wasn’t even his fault? Maybe he was supposed to do this.

It took quite a bit of waiting, but he didn’t want to ask the Director for a day off and rouse her suspicion. But finally the week before the Summer Equinox, everyone got a couple days off to do some costume prep. The wait was agonizing. There were so many members of the bureau and only so many pods. But finally the reclaimers got the okay to go planetside. Avi barely even had time to open the sphere’s door before they were stumbling in. 

Magnus mostly dragged them around Neverwinter. Dragging them to every other store he thought could carry anything remotely like clothes. It took some work but Taako managed to split off from the rest of the group, trailing to the nearest pharmacy. He came back about 20 minutes later to find Magnus running around the store to find him and Merle insisting Taako was a big boy. And that if he got left behind it was his fault. He grabbed a bag of lemondrops out of his bag upon questioning from a panicked and almost… relieved? Magnus. 

“Chill it out bubbeleh, I thought you doofuses might appreciate something to crunch on other than the excessive amount of junk Mango keeps comparing prices of.” 

Sure enough they ate up the excuse (and his lemondrops)

Two days after Solstice cleanup was finally finished, Taako got to work. He waited until everyone was asleep to pull out the bottle he’d been hiding for two weeks. Merle had been snoring for hours, and he could finally hear Magnus’ join the cacophonous noise. He sat on the edge of his bed, tossing the bottle he bought between his hands. It was small, a lightweight glass filled with a pale yellow fluid. Scrawled across the cork was an apothecaries note. Arsenic. The bitter irony almost made him laugh, but he feared waking up his colleagues to much for that. Instead he focused on the liquid inside, it looked so nonthreatening. But this amount was more than enough to kill someone twice Magnus’ size. 

He popped the cap off the bottle, and brought it to his lips. His gut wrenched, a few final regrets swirling in his head. 

What if they need you? He’s almost gotten them killed. What if they miss you? They won’t. Everyone will forget him anyways. What if they hate you for this? Then he won’t have to live  
with the consequences. 

This was retribution, he fed forty people their deaths. Even if he wasn’t the one who poisoned the food he still killed them. He killed forty grandmothers, grandfathers, husbands, wives, young children. 

He died how many times now? Seventeen? 

Taako swallowed thickly, the Raven Queen will finally get his soul after all these times. 

He tipped the bottle back, and drank it all in one go. 

Taako nearly retched as it burned fiercely down his throat, but he tried to breathe evenly. It sat horribly in his stomach but that was to be expected. He drank a bottle of poison not a smoothie. Once the initial pain settled it was easier to ignore, mixing with the anxiety in his gut. But it was too late for regrets now. He lied back on the bed, fanning out his hair in a nice way on the pillows. The empty bottle still in his hand. If Taako Taaco was going to kill himself he might as well look pretty doing it. 

His lips twitched as the burn began to get worse, a stark contrast to the cold sweat on his brow. Nothing really happened for about five minutes other than the steady increase of the burn. But when his stomach lurched he sat up so fast he nearly threw himself from the bed. He thought he was prepared, he was such a fucking idiot he should have been ready for this! Taako bolted to the bathroom, just one door down from his, thank Istus. If it were any further he would have vomit in the common room. 

He only realized once his stomach had emptied that Magnus might hear the coughing and spitting. His wrist flicked to cast silence on the bathroom before vomiting again. It felt different this time though. His dark vision couldn’t discern color but a touch to his lips confirmed his suspicions. It rushed up again, like fire in his throat. Coughing up blood instead of bile. 

It didn’t really register to him that he could hear his own coughing and whining, not until he heard fast footsteps in the hall. Taako wiped his mouth quickly, cursing that his silence had fizzled without him noticing. The door slammed open and Taako looked up, of course it was Magnus. He painted a smirk on his face and tried not to flinch when Magnus turned the lights on. 

“Whats up Mango? Taako’s got a bit of a bug so you might wanna just go back to sl-”

He was cut off by a sharp stabbing pain in his stomach, he tried not to cry out as more blood dribbled down his chin. Magnus rushed down to his side and held Taako’s face up to the light. What scared Taako most wasn’t that he was caught, it was that Magnus looked terrified. He didn’t have time to finish that thought before he was retching again, but Magnus didn’t let go of his chin fast enough. Bright red blood hitting the floor between them before he got the idea and let Taako go. 

Magnus looked at the blood on his hand and ran out of the bathroom. Taako could hear him trying to wake up Merle but couldn’t make out actual words. He was tired now and his head was pounding. Everything started kinda blurring together before going black. The cold tile floor hit his face, hard. The last thing Taako registered before losing consciousness was footsteps and panicked shouting.


	2. Bloody Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako deals with the consequences of his actions, almost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that since the eleventh hour was in like early spring theres no way this story could be set just after candlenights so im just gonna change that to the Summer Eclipse so pretend thats what i wrote all along

Taako wasn’t, and then he was, kinda? He was in a white space, almost like the one the Chalice pulled them into in Refuge. But instead of an older woman holding a cup, he was greeted with a man. Tall, dark skin, a hand over his mouth and an expression that could be read as disappointment or pure concern. Upon seeing Kravitz, the realization of what was going on crashed into Taako like a wave. His knees felt weak, like they’d buckle at any second. He looked down at them, trying to focus on standing. And so that he didn’t have to look Kravitz- his  _ boyfriend _ in the face after what he’d done. He hadn’t really thought about this step too hard. His ears flinched when a voice pierced the ringing silence. 

 

“It didn’t work, just so you know.” A breath shuddered out past his lips, almost sounding like a sob. Taako couldn’t really tell if that was a good or bad thing. But he could feel his face blanch at the idea of having to deal with the consequences of his actions. He was too busy thinking about it to notice the movement towards him until their was a hand on his cheek. Kravitz’s voice so much softer than what he’d expected, than what he deserved. 

 

“Taako, look at me.” He bit the inside of his cheek, staring instead at the large spot of blood that was on his silk robe. Guess that was still a constant to how he looked. He cursed himself for not being more careful about that. Even if he wasn’t dead. 

 

“Looks like i finally visited you in the Astral Plane though Bubeleh.” Kravitz didn’t seem amused. Thumb rubbing circled into his cheekbone. A kiss to his forehead, a soft ‘please’ whispered into his hairline. Gods above did he know how to make Taako melt. He slowly looked up. Trailing his gaze up Kravitz’s legs, his hips, going slow and savoring the man in front of him. Trying to distract himself from the look on his face. Kravitz looked scared, and worried, but he didn’t look mad. That’s what confused Taako. He wasn’t angry at him for pulling such a stunt or for being selfish. He just looked like he cared. 

 

Before Kravitz could drill him with questions though, Taako heard something. Heard… Merle?? Very faintly, just in the back of his mind. Kravitz seemed to notice this and sighed. Bringing Taako’s hand to his lips. “We’ll have to talk about this later, hopefully in your realm. It looks like it’s time for you to go.” Taako felt his fingers numbing, only acknowledging him in a ‘mmh’. Dread for this whole situation welling up in him. He sighed and leaned into Kravitz’s touch, mumbling out ‘I love y-’ before another light blinded his eyes. Brighter this time, sterile. 

 

The second thing to hit him was the overwhelming pain. His throat and stomach burned like fire, raw from the poison wearing away at them. But almost antiseptic too, like cleansing salve spread in a fresh wound. It took him a moment of panic to realize it was Magnus, crushing Taako against his chest in a hug. Only letting go when he realized it had sent Taako into a small coughing fit. A mumbled apology under his breath. 

 

Several clerics rushed in when they had heard the noise. Helping him sit up and doing cleric things like checking his temperature and shit. The coughing died down and Taako had a chance to actually look at who was in the room. Magnus and Merle by his bedside, Angus sniffling and close to tears (again by the looks of it) by their side. Those three he could deal with, they were easy, they were close. The Director at the foot of his bed though, he could not. She looked stern as always, but with a hint of caution, of worry. She almost looked like she’d seen this before though, oddly enough. 

 

The clerics left soon after, a slew of potions and pills on his bedside table. The sinking feeling in his gut that had left in all the chaos came back quickly. He wasn’t going to magically poof back into a different plane this time. Taako tried to speak before anyone else, but his mouth felt drier than Goldcliff. It only spurred another coughing fit. He made a drinking gesture, and Magnus visibly paled, before getting what he meant. Color flooded back to his cheeks in an embarrassed flush, before going to get him water. Merle piped up before Magnus could hand it to him. 

 

“Take it easy, you’re dehydrated. You lost a lot of… fluids. Well blood, and everything else.” Despite the warning, Taako drank it all in one go. The chill burn, soothing his throat to the point where he could talk. His voice was still raw though. “Hachi machi how long was I out? Give Taako the good gossip would you?” He slipped into an easy mood, frantically thinking of excuses as to why he was coughing blood at 2am. Magnus and Merle looked at each other, than at The Director. Almost confused as to why Taako was taking this so lightly. They must have known something was up. He was in the medbay of course they did. Magnus having been there when it started, they had to know. Like hell though he wouldn’t try. 

 

“Only a couple hours but Taako-” Magnus’ voice sounded raw, but he looked down at Angus. Still sniffling, actually crying now. The Director kneeled down talk to him, her voice low. He could make out a few words. She was calling this an ‘adult conversation’. Angus nodded to whatever she said, but glanced up at Taako. He spoke softly too, clearly tired, but loud enough that Taako could hear clearly. “Can I see him in the morning?” The Director nodded, patting his back. She raised her voice to match his. “Of course you can, but right now he needs some rest. And we need to talk to him. You know where to find me if you need me, now get to back to bed Angus.” He nodded again, walking solemnly out of the med bay. The Director Stood slowly as he left, looking back at Taako when he was gone. He would have probably shattered if she tried to talk to him first, luckily Magnus rushed in. 

 

“What happened back there Taako? A ‘bug’ doesn’t make- what did the clerics say Merle?” Magnus looked down at Merle, his voice was shaking but stern. Like he was trying his best to lecture Taako, but he’d been crying. That’s probably exactly what was happening. 

 

“Unless he’s got some sort of plague no kind of bug is gonna tear holes in your stomach lining like that. Or your esophagus, or your mouth.” Merle was better at being stern than Magnus right now. Taako’s lip twitched at the description. That’s probably why talking burned like nothing else. He leaned back though, they would have to pry the answer out of him. “A spell must have backfired when i was training, pretty nasty one it seems!” It was good enough, Merle rarely even cast spells and Magnus wasn’t even a magic user. The Director was who he was really worried about catching his bluff check. Magnus sputtered though, getting frustrated easily. 

 

“Taako you were coughing blood in the middle of the night! What kind of spell lasts that long?” His hands gripped the sheets by Taako’s thighs tightly. He was tired and concerned, this situation needed to be shut down fast. Taako huffed, not noticing the flick of Merle’s wrist until he had already started speaking. 

 

“Plenty of spells Mango! You’re a fighter you don’t really have the extensive experiii- I don’t know of any but I’m sure you don’t know enough about spells to call me out on it.” He didn’t realize what he had said, too busy looking at his nails and going on autopilot, until it was done. His mind tingled, a telltale sign of Zone of Truth. Before he could snap at the dwarf, Magnus grilled him again. 

 

“What were you doing Taako? I think i know but I need you to tell me.” His mouth stayed shut this time, biting his cheeks even in case he tried something. Maybe since he wasn’t aware of the spell in the first place he could try and save against it now? Maybe? No, probably not. He tried to spit out  _ ‘this is stupid!’ _ but instead it came out as  _ ‘I know i need help but I’m afraid of what people will think of me!’ _ . He never hated a spell more in his whole life. 

 

His whole body shuddered as Magnus’ face changed into a disgusting look of pity. Nothing about this situation was good. Taako was stuck in a medbay, surrounded by people who at least acted like the cared about him, and was being forced to open up about his problems. This was the nightmare situation. Instead of succumbing to the zone of truth, getting the help he needed, he threw his hands up into the air

  
“Get out!” Taako was nearly growling at them, gods he was  _ livid _ . “All of you get the fuck out!!” Magnus stepped back from the bed a little and ran his hand down his face. “Taako please-” “OUT!” He was ready to start throwing shit, but luckily they all got the message before he hurled something at them. Magnus storming out, grumbling something under his breath. Merle looking up at him before he left. “We’re going to talk about this whether you like it or not.” The Director though stayed for just a moment more, looking at him almost sadly, before she left the med bay. Leaving Taako listening to his own heavy breathing. He groaned and fell back onto the pillows. He knew he would have to deal with it eventually, but gods he wasn’t ready right now. He needed to put himself back together first. The quiet of the med bay proved to be a blessing and a curse. Silence leaving him open for thought, any thought. Whether it was helpful or not. Most often they were not. 


	3. Symbolic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angus is the worlds greatest detective, and the most open about how much he cares for Taako

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super short it's 5am as I'm posting this but I should be able to write more really soon! I've got 2 finals left and I'm home free all summer to do nothing but draw and write!

Taako was kept in the med bay for two more days. Two days of sitting in stone faced silence when Magnus and Merle came to check up on him. He wasn't going to cave that easy.

On the first day Magnus was there before he woke from his meditation. Watching him with worry at the foot of his bed. They sat quietly for a while, clerics darting in and out to check on him. Magnus finally cleared his throat and broke the silence after nearly two hours.

“You know I care about you Taako, right?” He just scoffed, picking at his nails. Really he just didn't want to look at Magnus, didn't want to see if he was lying or not. Taako heard the fighter inhale to give him a wicked lecture but instead of words, his teeth clicked from snapping his mouth shut. Taako’s ear tilted curiously, causing him to look up from his nails.

Angus McDonald stood in opening of Taako’s “room”. He clutched the strap of a bag slung over his shoulder, foot bouncing nervously.

“Sir, do you think I could get a moment alone with Mr. Tacco?” Magnus grumbled, but agreed. He patted Angus’ shoulder on his way out, and mouthed a tight lipped ‘later’ at Taako. He snorted, calling out after him. “I can't read lips dipshit!” He turned his attention to the small boy now right next to his bed. A knot tied in his stomach, Angus could either be the easiest to get off his case or the worst right now.

“I don't think Taako’s up for magic lessons today kiddo, but maybe you can rest somethin out to get me out of this bed sooner. The clerics ‘ve got me under lock and key!” It was true, they did have to put a spell on him the first time he tried to leave to get him back to his bed. But whatever another day of Taako time couldn't hurt him.

Angus forced a laugh, tightening his hold on the strap. “G-good one sir, but I'm not here for magic lessons today. I uh fou-” His voice trailed off into mumbles, only worrying Taako more. “C’mon pumpkin, what's eating at you?”

He swallowed thickly, rooting around in his bag as an excuse not to make eye contact. “Last night- well this morning, I didn't go back to my room like Ms. Director told me to. I-” His shoulders and hands were visibly shaking now. “I decided to go well…” Angus pulled something out of his bag and slipped it into Taako’s hands. His stomach dropped. “I decided to investigate the crime scene.”

Taako unfolded his hands, face blanching as his suspicions were confirmed. A small glass bottle, labeled arsenic. About three quarters of the way empty. Funny. That might have been the push his body would have needed. Angus saw how he was looking at the bottle and snatched it from him. His voice trembling and small.

“S-sir were you trying to kill yourself?” Before Taako could open his mouth he was cut off. “And don't lie to me! Well- I'm just the world's greatest detective and-” Tears began to well up in his eyes. “I want to be able to help you sir….”

Oh that, that just got Taako going. He gripped the flimsy sheets like a lifeline. It was a rarity that someone could get Taako to cry, but Angus reminded him so much of himself when he was young. Just the thought of Angus being where he was now in 10- 5- hell probably a year or two, made him sick to his stomach.

He opened up his arms, Angus nearly launched himself into them. Holding on tightly, his face buried in Taako’s neck. “Angus, if you ever feel like this-” Huh, his voice was shaking. “Don't try to pretend it's normal, come to me or Magnus or hell, even Merle but don't try to deal with it alone okay?” Angus nodded into his neck, before holding himself out at arms length. “You shouldn't have to either Sir, we care about you, Magnus, Merle, everyone here. We care about you- we can help you!”

Taako pulled Angus back in just as tears starting rolling down his own cheeks. That was something he never thought he'd hear and believe. That people cared about him. Mushy shit like that wasn't for Taako nuh-uh. But maybe this once it could be. He laughed welty into Angus’ shoulder.

“You're too grown up for your own good Ango.”

When they had stopped crying Taako asked for the bottle back, telling Angus he wanted to show him some magic after all. It sat heavily in his hand for such a small thing, the emotional weight far greater than the physical. His fingers curled around it tightly, and light began to pour into it. Turning the cold glass into something softer, more organic.

In his palm sat a small handful of elderberries, juice from a few running down his wrist. Before Angus could question him, Taako whispered a quick incantation, setting them ablaze. Watching them turn into ash, crunch into dust. Allowing Taako to blow them away into nothing.

The fine powder just got all over his lap, a lot less dramatic than he had hoped for. But it got Angus to laugh a little, and that was worth it.

He waved his hand to prestidigitation the mess away, it was symbolic. He didn't really let the memories go or his grudge lessen. But maybe he could start to heal now. Maybe he could get better.

Maybe he could let himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I didn't proofread this at all it's very early in the morning


	4. Reluctency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako's let out of the med bay, but the Reclaimer's suite isn't much better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This escalates very quickly so reminder that Taako has BPD and thats my explenation for this not very good writing and also I have BPD

He found that two days in the med bay wasn’t nearly enough time. Taako’s throat was almost fully healed, but gods he wasn’t. His chest still ached and he still clawed at his arms when nobody was around. Punishing himself for being so selfish and stupid. For half assing a job Taako Style™.

But the clerics had more important business to attend to. So when Magnus came by for the day he left with Taako, and strict orders not to leave him alone for too long until he could talk with The Director. Something they thought he couldn’t hear. Oh he was going to be as big of a pain in the ass as he could be.

The air as they walked was tense, silent but for the clicking of their heels. Magnus was walking behind Taako, but still in his periphery. Despite all those lessons with Carey he wasn’t good at subtlety, and that grated at his nerves.

“They said don’t leave me alone not ride my ass like some copper piece whore!” Taako’s voice split through the air, harsh and cracking. That got Magnus sputtering out excuses, slowing significantly behind him. The elf still sped up, keeping his distance.

The reclaimer’s suit wasn’t much better, the internal argument on Magnus’ face was clear as to if he should let Taako shower alone or not. It was as hilarious as it was infuriating. Why couldn’t he just get over it already? Taako did! Taako probably wouldn’t remember any of this by next week! Why did Magnus have to act like he cared.

In the end Taako did get his shower, but Magnus made some half assed excuse as to why he couldn’t be in his room alone. Or anywhere alone. “You shouldn’t be alone on the potion they gave you, you could uh collapse or something” Yeah real original Mags.

Either way he was stuck in the common room watching Magnus pick at a block of wood. Looking up at him from time to time from his ‘carving’. It was mostly silent until Merle finally came in, hardly noticing Taako until he did a double take. Magnus made a harsh nod to the couch he was on, gaze steeled on Merle. Oh it was time for this wasn’t it.

Taako put his feet up on the table, ignoring the wordless conversation Magnus was having with Merle until he begrudgingly sat down. Letting Taako dramatically look up from his nails at them.

“I haven’t got all day boys if you’re gonna grill me set the bbq to 300 and do it already.” Magnus gripped his block tighter, sighing heavily. He set them down on the table as Merle spoke.

“Taako why don’t you just, talk to us. Tell us what’s wrong!” He scoffed, this was probably going to be bad. Taako didn’t  _ do _ emotions, not because he didn’t want to. Well he didn’t but even if he did want to he couldn’t. Magnus huffed, inching towards a snarl. “We want to  _ help you _ why do you have to be so stubborn about this!?” He was nearly yelling, frustrated with now four days of Taako avoiding this talk like the plague. Taako crossed his legs, fully content on making it five- six- forever. “Oh I’m fine as fuck hombre you’re the one making a big deal of this.” Still his nerves curled in his gut, he knew why they were doing this. He knew what he did but now he just couldn’t remember why? No matter how hard he thought he couldn’t really figure out what was actually  _ wrong _ . 

“I’M MAKING A BIG DEAL OF THIS?!” Magnus’ voice was booming now, a white knuckle grip on his knees as he stood, fast. Pacing around the room. The sudden movement made Taako flinch, curling in on himself a little. Magnus didn’t notice though. He was downright  _ fuming _ . Merle noticed though, extending a hand to Taako a little, before pulling it back. Pressing his knuckles to his mouth instead. “Magnus-” “NO you know what?! I’m not going to fight you on this! I-WE can’t help you won’t tell us what’s wrong!” Taako’s ears pressed flat against his hair as he searched for an answer. What WAS wrong? Oh gods he couldn’t remember. He tried to kill himself and he couldn’t even remember why he did it. His breath started getting shallow and fast, not quite hyperventilating yet but it was close. 

He stopped his pacing to look at Taako, but not really seeing him. “So are you going to tell us why you downed some poison like a fucking shot or are we just going to have this conversation again and again and again?! Because I’m not doing this again, if you want to wallow in your own self pity when we ALL have problems then fine!. I’m not going to push and push to get an ‘I’m fine’ out of you, I’m not wasting my time anymore.” There it was, there was the panic attack. Taako’s knees were curled almost to his chest, shaking like a leaf. His eyes unfocused and glassy. 

Merle put a hand on Magnus’ hip, whispering something harshly to him and pointing at Taako. Finally Magnus actually  _ saw  _ him. Saw him twitching and small, vacant and nearly crying. He gasped, putting a hand over his mouth. The other moved toward Taako. “Taako I- fuck I’m sorry.” Magnus tried to touch him, but Taako slapped his hand away and stood up. Suddenly full of life again and pissed “DON’T YOU DARE! DON’T YOU FUCKING THINK- THAT YOU CAN JUST! SAY ALL THAT AND THEN APOLOGIZE AND GO BACK TO HAPPY FUN TAAKO! DON’T ACT LIKE YOU CAN YELL AT ME AND I’LL UP AND BE ALL ‘HAHA SORRY FOR WANTING TO DIE I WON’T DO IT AGAIN HERE’S MY WHOLE BACKSTORY!’ NO THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS!!” He was backing up fast, nearly tripping over the arm of the couch. “DO YOU THINK MAKING ME FEEL WORSE ABOUT HAVING PROBLEMS IS GOING TO HELP!? IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU THINK!?” Tears were streaming down his face now. 

“WELL GUESS WHAT IT’S NOT, I’M NOT GONNA BUY INTO THAT BULLSHIT MAGS!” His chest was heaving, shoulders shaking with sobs. He jumped when his back hit something, a door, his door thank the gods. He fumbled with the handle, darting inside when he heard fast footsteps behind him. Magnus pounded against the door, frantically shouting apologies mixed with his name. Taako wasn’t having it, locking the door and stuffing a chair under the handle for good measure. His head was pounding, Magnus wasn’t helping at all. It sounded almost like he was shouting through water now. 

Taako grabbed the Umbra Staff from his desk where he left it, casting a weak silence. He was all out of energy, slumping to the floor in a heap and curling around the staff. It seemed to be radiating warmth and buzzing in a way like a cat purring. It was nice, nice enough that Taako found himself falling asleep. Fuck a nap sounded good, really good. So he let his eyes slip closed, ignoring how the silence somehow didn’t dissipate when he lost consciousness. 

\-----

Taako was shaken awake, large hands on his shoulders. He had no idea how long he was out, but railsplitter was on the ground next to him, a quick look at the door and yup- Magnus broke his door. That must be who was shaking him then. He didn’t have time to look when he was pulled into a crushing hug, Magnus sobbing into his neck. Apologies poured from him like water, he sounded scared again. Taako wrapped his arms around him, shushing him and whispering ‘it’s okay’ into his ear. Magnus barely strung together a coherent sentence.  “I- I thought you were dead, I’m sorry I’m so sorry!” He started sobbing again, holding onto Taako like a lifeline. 

“It’s alright Mags, just needed a quick snooze.” He squeezed him a little tighter, brow furrowing. His thoughts were a lot more ordered now that he was calmer and not being yelled at. So Taako buried his face into Magnus’ neck and started talking. 

“You know about Sizzle it up right?” Magnus nodded, rubbing Taako’s back now. “Well I had this- partner, Sazed.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “I took him on as help, he drove the cart prepped the food all that kinda stuff. And in turn I taught him some stuff, gave him a place to sleep and home cooked food, it was good.” Taako closed his eyes and nuzzled Magnus’ shoulder. “After a while we- became something? Yeah I guess, and he was good, at least I thought he was. Turns out he was a controlling freak and I was just a sucker for attention.” A sharp pain went through his chest, a shudder down his spine as he thought about it. Thought about just how bad Sazed was for him. 

“He always wanted more. Wanted a spot on the show, wanted to be a co-host, wanted everything I had. That was the only time I could ever say no to him. And so he decided if he couldn’t have it neither could I. I- we- he. He killed 40 people, and left me thinking I did it for six years.” Taako tightened his hold on Magnus’ shirt. “I thought for  _ six fucking years _ that I killed 40 people.” He began to cry again, quietly sobbing into Magnus’ shoulder. 

“It’s okay, you didn’t. You know you didn’t, and we know you didn’t. It’s okay Taako, you’re safe.” Safe, huh. That was new, that was good, that could be good. 

\----

He cried for a while, letting Magnus hold him and comfort him. It was nice to let himself be comforted for once. They both went out into the common room when he stopped crying and his stomach started growling. Ready for something that wasn’t cold chicken broth. Merle was sitting expectantly on the couch. Not really acknowledging them as they walked in. “I heard the whole thing so you don’t gotta go through that twice.” Taako snorted. “You been eavesdropping grandpa piss?” Merle ignored that, setting down his book and hugging Taako’s thigh. “You’re doin good kid.” He looked down at the dwarf, a little slack jawed. “All right that’s enough emotion from me, don’t fuck on the counter or anything.” He left for his room, leaving Magnus bright red and Taako howling with laughter. It’s gonna be good this time, it’s gotta be good.


	5. Authors notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oopsie doodle! It’s been like a year since I’ve written this fic!

Hi! I know it’s been a while and I’ve been getting some amazing comments on this! I’m still alive, but I’m sad to say this fic isn’t. I’m in a much better place now than when I wrote this and it doesn’t feel right to finish it, but I still do write! I’ve been working on a couple things for another fandom (the arcana), I’ve had another TAZ Balance fic in the world for a really long time that I still want to write, and I write my own stuff! I will leave this up for people to read and maybe take solace in. Keep an eye out for me in the future, and happy reading!

**Author's Note:**

> My names Gabe and i love projecting my problems on fictional characters


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